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Why Does Surrender Feel So Scary?
It was 4 am as I stood trembling in front of the bathroom mirror and whispered “my life is not going to be the same!”. I had just taken a pregnancy test and to my dismay it was showing positive. A flood of worries came crashing into my head as I felt an overwhelm of emotions. How will this affect each of us in the family? Is my body ready for this journey? How will my teenage sons react to the news? How did this even happen?! I spent the next three hours with a million thoughts a minute racing through my mind.
What do you do when situations you thought were very much under your control and caution get overridden?
What Does God Ask of Us?
Do you ever wonder if God finds you useful in His kingdom? I’ll be honest, I haven’t thought much about being useful to God, because there are so many other things to think about. Does my behavior please Him? How can I be more holy? Am I following his word? And the tried and true, “What would Jesus do?”
Asking if I’m useful in His kingdom feels like something to consider after I address the other concerns.
Why does this even matter? Well, recently, my husband and I had back-to-back arguments.
Do You Hate to Admit When You’re Wrong?
Pride hinders our relationship with God because refusing to acknowledge our shortcomings is an attempt to deny our imperfections. Whether we mean for it to or not, that implies that we are equal with God, and that robs Him of the praise and glory He deserves. We can’t be humble when we have things to hide.
Authentically, Imperfectly Human
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: most days I’m a hot mess. And by hot mess, I mean I’m usually trying my best, while juggling all my imperfections and the ups and downs of parenting, homeschooling, being a wife and friend, working a few part-time jobs, and everything else in between.
While I love this little life I have, sometimes I wonder if I’m doing anything right. Do my kids feel loved, or am I ruining them? Is my faith strong enough? Did I turn in a winning work project, or did I miss the mark? Does anyone truly relate to me, or am I alone and crazy? It’s hard being a human!
Why So Long, Lord?
The other day, someone made a comment and it re-opened wounds that I thought had healed. It was completely unintentional on her end, and I was able to stay focused on the conversation with my friend. But her innocent proclamation unleashed a flood of torment in my soul. The anguish I felt came from a reminder that a long-term prayer request of mine has never been answered. It’s just dangling in the wind, waiting for God’s wisdom, and timing to dictate its resting place. Why did God answer her prayer and not mine?
Why Can’t I Surrender?
I was on a conference call when it happened, but I could have easily been on the phone with one of my young adult kids, or in the kitchen when my husband came home, or having lunch with a good friend. Someone made a comment that shattered my peace and filled me with dismay and devastation. The rest of my world stopped while my thoughts started spinning. How can I solve this problem?
Why Am I an Emotional Wreck?
Have you ever considered trusting God with your emotions even though your circumstances are unlikely to change?
I wish I could say that stuck in crippling emotion, I sit cross-legged, with my eyes closed and my palms up, trustingly laying my feelings at the feet of Jesus. Maybe I could even add some scented candles to the scene, creating a peaceful setting that I report smells like lavender. Unfortunately, that’s a work of fiction that exists only in my mind. Instead, my narrative is filled with turmoil, restlessness, and frustration. I become pre-occupied. My mind distractedly focuses on my problem, and my brow goes into a prolonged furrowed state. Lavender is nowhere to be found.
What does God have to do with it?
I am aware of the dangerous ground I tread on today by addressing such a divided matter, and I want to be clear that I'm not here to judge or shame anyone. I also won't ever pretend to understand someone else's story. So today, I only write to share an incredibly personal part of mine with you that I've never shared publicly before. There are parts I'm not proud of, but it's a testimony filled with truth and the hope of Jesus, and I hope and pray it will help someone else along the way.
Have You Forgotten My Request, God?
The other day I found myself wanting an explanation from God. I know this sounds ridiculous but let me explain.
Some of my prayer requests are several years old. Healing, salvation, relationship restoration, and other long-term desires take time. I understand God knows far better than I do the perfect outcome and the best time to respond. But I also know that His flawless will may fail to match the way that makes so much sense to me. In fact, His answer might be, “no”, and I may have refused to recognize or accept that.
When the pain of unanswered prayer enters my day, I find myself asking God,” Why are you silent and still when I know You could be powerful and present?” Do you wonder the same thing sometimes?
Preserving Power Mode
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt guilty taking a nap...or asking to be alone in your room...or secretly driving around the block one...or even five times while enjoying your silent solitude in the car. Why? Why do we feel so bad?
Why do we long for a day at the spa? What’s the purpose of controlled breathing in child labor? Why are 911 operators even toned and patient, repeatedly asking callers to calm down? What do we tell our children when the site of blood from a scraped knee induces tears of hysteria? When our mind is focused and our body is calm, we’re better equipped to function. We can think more clearly, react more safely and work more efficiently. God created us to slow down in order to speed up.
Eating Comfort Food at Wine o'Clock after Retail Therapy
No wonder we’re quick to rosé all day, and shop ‘till we drop from a food coma. A glass of wine to take the edge off. A pint of ice cream to comfort a broken heart. A click on “submit purchase” to suppress the envy. We’ve all done it. It’s a natural human reaction to want to comfort uncomfortable feelings. Doing something to distract us from our problems, to numb negative feelings, is almost instinctual. Drinking, eating junk or going on a shopping spree feels good when we’re feeling bad ... in the moment. But responding to life's stressors with cabernet, candy, and click-throughs is not a wise long-term plan. Drowning our sorrows in frosty mugs or waffle cones is not self-care. Coronas, cupcakes, and Coach bags don’t help us cope! They only help us conceal. Self-care that promotes concealing over coping is self-medicating. And self-medicating is the first step down a slippery slope towards self-destruction.
Can I Surrender to God's Plan When God's Plan Is Not My Own?
These battles have shattered my heart repeatedly, but each time, God has been there to put the broken pieces back together more beautifully than they were ever arranged before. He has used these moments to reveal Himself to me in such intimate ways. Our entire family has learned firsthand that tremendous pain can build tremendous faith- and to us, that's been worth every moment of the fight.
To-Dos, How-Tos and What-Ifs
Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought, while discussing where to eat with your husband, boyfriend or group of friends, “I don’t really care, I can’t make one more decision today. Someone else decide and just tell me where to go...”
Can you relate? We’re faced with so many decisions inside of one day. Choosing what to wear each morning (selecting which leggings and sweatshirt combo is still a choice), or what we’re going to eat is enough, but we often must do it for all the people in our home too! Let’s not even get into schedules. How and when to wash our hair, prepare meals, clean the house and shop for all the things to do all the above can leave us feeling like we’re in the movie, Groundhog Day. When to get everyone to the dentist? Their physicals? Haircuts? What to buy for any given friend, parent, child, friend’s child’s birthday next week...or even tomorrow. It’s A. LOT.