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What if I doubt God?
Recently, one of my children came to me with an intense look of fear in their eyes. They began asking me what would happen if they had feelings of doubt about God's existence. Some Christian parents might get worried in this instance- but I didn't. I know this child's heart all too well, and while they struggle with a bit of anxiety here and there, I am confident that they love Jesus with all that is in them. Furthermore, I understood that same feeling of doubt and the fear that often rides shotgun along with it. This doubt, especially as a young Christian, can feel paralyzing.
Why Can’t I Surrender?
I was on a conference call when it happened, but I could have easily been on the phone with one of my young adult kids, or in the kitchen when my husband came home, or having lunch with a good friend. Someone made a comment that shattered my peace and filled me with dismay and devastation. The rest of my world stopped while my thoughts started spinning. How can I solve this problem?
Where is Your Promise, God?
I’m the queen of both romanticism and nostalgia. This means that my vision of an upcoming change in life doesn’t always match reality. If we decide to move across the country for my husband’s job, I tend to romanticize the change with cautious optimism while greatly minimizing its challenges. Or, if time ushers in a new life stage, such as the beginning of middle age, I go to the other extreme and embrace nostalgia while despairing that the future will never be as enjoyable and meaningful as the past. In either case, my tendency to imagine the future creates expectations that slam into reality and produce disappointment and discontentment once one chapter closes and another one opens. Can you relate to either of these? Whether we are optimistically romantic, or hopelessly nostalgic, our presumptive nature is a tactic to help us manage our expectations and quiet our fears.
Would a real Christian do that?
Is it possible to know deep in your heart that salvation belongs to you yet still fear it could slip through your fingers at any moment?
Following or Followers?
It’s been six months since I’ve posted to my Instagram account for my sobriety blog, www.thisthorn.com. And it’s been almost three years since I’ve added a new article to the site. I’ve been writing all this time, but not uploading any new content.
When I started my blog in the fall of 2015, I wrote endlessly about all my new feelings and experiences in sobriety. I’d never considered myself a writer before. I never journaled. But those first months of recovery, my emotions were raw. I was present for events and situations I’d previously been too numb to experience. I didn’t know what to do with all those feelings. So, I wrote to write. I wrote to expose, to process, to purge and to thank God.
Then the mind games started.
Have You Forgotten My Request, God?
The other day I found myself wanting an explanation from God. I know this sounds ridiculous but let me explain.
Some of my prayer requests are several years old. Healing, salvation, relationship restoration, and other long-term desires take time. I understand God knows far better than I do the perfect outcome and the best time to respond. But I also know that His flawless will may fail to match the way that makes so much sense to me. In fact, His answer might be, “no”, and I may have refused to recognize or accept that.
When the pain of unanswered prayer enters my day, I find myself asking God,” Why are you silent and still when I know You could be powerful and present?” Do you wonder the same thing sometimes?
Does God Know What He’s Doing?
Have you ever experienced a moment that turned your life upside down and left you feeling disoriented and distraught? Maybe that describes your current reality and you’re wondering if the future will ever feel promising again. Whether we try harder or deny its existence or numb it or push through it, emotional pain isn’t healthy to ignore. It must be addressed, or it will start to control our actions.
What Can God Add to My Life?
Everyone must start somewhere and as beginnings go, mine was pretty great. I had parents who loved and advocated for me. I had grandparents who teased that I could find a home with them if I ever wanted to run away from my parents. My birthday was celebrated every year with unique cakes that my mom made from scratch, and I have scrapbooks filled with pictures to capture special occasions and milestones from my childhood.
If there was a flaw in my well-nurtured background, it happened with the very best of intentions. Passed down to me was the belief that I could do and be anything, assuming I worked hard enough. Something got lost in the translation from what was said to what I heard, and I adopted the belief that average wasn’t acceptable.
This conviction was reinforced when I expressed interest in becoming a nurse. In an upbeat tone filled with confidence came the response, “Don’t be a nurse. Be a doctor.”
As mistakes go, erring on the side of believing in your kids and encouraging them to reach their full potential isn’t a disastrous mistake, but it cultivated in me a skewed sense of what was important in life. Most important was worldly achievement, not personal fulfillment or spiritual enrichment or emotional contentment.