What if I doubt God?
"Because you have seen me, you have believed; but blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
(John 20:29)
Recently, one of my children came to me with an intense look of fear in their eyes. They began asking me what would happen if they had feelings of doubt about God's existence. Some Christian parents might get worried in this instance- but I didn't. I know this child's heart all too well, and while they struggle with a bit of anxiety here and there, I am confident that they love Jesus with all that is in them. Furthermore, I understood that same feeling of doubt and the fear that often rides shotgun along with it. This doubt, especially as a young Christian, can feel paralyzing.
Perhaps you've been wrestling with doubts about God's goodness or even His existence. Maybe you are gripped by fear and worry that God is angry with you for having these questions and thoughts. If so, friend, I want to tell you what I told my worried child in their moment of doubt and what I wish someone had told me when I was a young doubter. This struggle can feel lonely and dark, but I want you to know that you aren't alone and that there is light ahead.
We cannot physically see God in the natural world. His presence is a phenomenal mystery. We're human, and this doubt is a natural feeling and emotion at times. However, God is the one who made us human. He knows we will have these struggles at times. Doubt in our journey of faith is inevitable at some point or another, but it's what you do with the doubt that matters.
In the Bible, Jesus' own disciple, Thomas, struggles with doubt after Jesus' death on the cross. As Thomas heard the news of Jesus' resurrection, he declared, "Unless I see the nail marks and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe" (John 20:25. 2001). What a skeptical statement from someone who traveled with Jesus and watched the miracles He performed. A full week passed after Jesus' death. Thomas must have experienced extreme uncertainty and disappointment during this time. However, when Jesus returned, He went directly to Thomas, showing him the wounds where He had been pierced. Jesus told Thomas to reach out and place his fingers on the scars. He then encouraged Thomas to "Stop doubting and believe" (John 20:27 ESV). Pay attention here. Notice Jesus didn't slap Thomas upside the head. He didn't condemn Thomas to hell. Instead, He told him to reach out and see for himself.
My sweet friend, if you have somehow found yourself filled with doubt, don't allow the enemy to prevail through the traps he maliciously sets on your path. Don't allow yourself to be swallowed up in a sea of untrust that spirals into unbelief. Instead, consider that this experience might be God's way of asking you to dig deeper into who He is. Maybe this is His way of pulling your heart closer to Him than ever before. Perhaps God allows His hiddenness to burden our hearts so we seek Him all the more.
This passage wraps up with Jesus telling Thomas, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29). In this statement, Jesus acknowledges our hardship to believe without seeing and promises that those who have believed without seeing will be blessed. Jesus knows our struggle. We can't hide anything from Him, but we can ask Him to make His presence known to us. He encourages us to have the kind of faith that reaches out to touch the scars and see for ourselves, digging deeper to find the truth.
Friend, having faith because others tell us to believe isn't truly having faith at all. Genuine faith comes from seeking Him for ourselves. Search Him. There is such goodness and treasure to discover. He's not angry with you for questioning the mystery of who He is. He's likely just calling you to know Him more intimately than you possibly could have without seeking the answers to the questions stirring within your soul. I encourage you to tell Him about your doubt. Place your finger on the precious words within His scriptures. Reach out and ask Him to give you but just a whisper of His presence today. I promise He'll be waiting there to encourage you to just stop doubting and to believe.