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What if I doubt God?
Recently, one of my children came to me with an intense look of fear in their eyes. They began asking me what would happen if they had feelings of doubt about God's existence. Some Christian parents might get worried in this instance- but I didn't. I know this child's heart all too well, and while they struggle with a bit of anxiety here and there, I am confident that they love Jesus with all that is in them. Furthermore, I understood that same feeling of doubt and the fear that often rides shotgun along with it. This doubt, especially as a young Christian, can feel paralyzing.
How Can I Hear God?
We so often think we know exactly what we need. A new job, more understanding from our spouse, a better attitude from our kids, healing, more money, deliverance from a trial. How could any of those desires differ from what God wants us to have?
When Wedding Vows Go Up In Smoke
While most newlywed fights start over silly matters like him leaving his underwear on the floor or her burning dinner, our marriage started with us learning to manage a blended family, having a child together who had severe medical issues, and Justin was traveling often for his job. As we tried to juggle it all, we both realized that, to make matters worse, each of us had brought a lot of prior baggage to our relationship. The fights were frequent, and resentment ran rampant. Now this was happening, and I worried we wouldn’t survive it.
Why So Long, Lord?
The other day, someone made a comment and it re-opened wounds that I thought had healed. It was completely unintentional on her end, and I was able to stay focused on the conversation with my friend. But her innocent proclamation unleashed a flood of torment in my soul. The anguish I felt came from a reminder that a long-term prayer request of mine has never been answered. It’s just dangling in the wind, waiting for God’s wisdom, and timing to dictate its resting place. Why did God answer her prayer and not mine?
Where is Your Promise, God?
I’m the queen of both romanticism and nostalgia. This means that my vision of an upcoming change in life doesn’t always match reality. If we decide to move across the country for my husband’s job, I tend to romanticize the change with cautious optimism while greatly minimizing its challenges. Or, if time ushers in a new life stage, such as the beginning of middle age, I go to the other extreme and embrace nostalgia while despairing that the future will never be as enjoyable and meaningful as the past. In either case, my tendency to imagine the future creates expectations that slam into reality and produce disappointment and discontentment once one chapter closes and another one opens. Can you relate to either of these? Whether we are optimistically romantic, or hopelessly nostalgic, our presumptive nature is a tactic to help us manage our expectations and quiet our fears.
Should I Stop Striving?
Years ago, I remembered thinking, One day, I won't be tempted to sin anymore. One day, I will fully trust God with all my son's health issues. One day, I'll stop searching for approval from others. One day, I won't struggle with God anymore.
Would a real Christian do that?
Is it possible to know deep in your heart that salvation belongs to you yet still fear it could slip through your fingers at any moment?
What does God have to do with it?
I am aware of the dangerous ground I tread on today by addressing such a divided matter, and I want to be clear that I'm not here to judge or shame anyone. I also won't ever pretend to understand someone else's story. So today, I only write to share an incredibly personal part of mine with you that I've never shared publicly before. There are parts I'm not proud of, but it's a testimony filled with truth and the hope of Jesus, and I hope and pray it will help someone else along the way.
How can I be sure that I’ll make it to Heaven?
God's grace is so mysterious because we often feel like we don't deserve it, and we're exactly right. We don't. But He gave it freely anyway. Grace is absolutely scandalous! How could a seasoned criminal skeet by with a free pass? How could the adulterous woman be given a second shot? How could God look upon me as I was drowning in a sea of drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity and decide that I was worthy of His love?
Can I Surrender to God's Plan When God's Plan Is Not My Own?
These battles have shattered my heart repeatedly, but each time, God has been there to put the broken pieces back together more beautifully than they were ever arranged before. He has used these moments to reveal Himself to me in such intimate ways. Our entire family has learned firsthand that tremendous pain can build tremendous faith- and to us, that's been worth every moment of the fight.
Can I Find Purpose Through My Pain?
From the time I was a young girl, I was a hopeless romantic. I could spin it to you by saying I was just plain boy-crazy, or by telling you that I possibly watched one too many Disney fairy tales along the way - but the truth of the matter is that I desperately wanted to be loved. As human beings, but women especially, we are designed to want to give and receive unconditional love. We want to be known intimately by someone who will cherish and value us for our wonderful qualities, and someone who will continue loving us right through our bad ones. As I got older, this aching desire I had to feel loved ended up making of fool of me more times than I care to recall. I made some incredibly unfortunate decisions that I'm not proud of today in an attempt to feel love. After a while, I found those attempts at "love" to be incredibly fleeting and in the long-run I was left feeling quite the opposite of what I had hoped for.
Then I had kids . . .