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What if I doubt God?
Recently, one of my children came to me with an intense look of fear in their eyes. They began asking me what would happen if they had feelings of doubt about God's existence. Some Christian parents might get worried in this instance- but I didn't. I know this child's heart all too well, and while they struggle with a bit of anxiety here and there, I am confident that they love Jesus with all that is in them. Furthermore, I understood that same feeling of doubt and the fear that often rides shotgun along with it. This doubt, especially as a young Christian, can feel paralyzing.
Do You Feel Imprisoned by Problems or Held Hostage by Fear?
“Be joyful always; pray continually; and give thanks in all circumstances.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. This sounds like pithy advice, but Paul knew the difficulty and power of God’s command.
In Acts 16, Paul and Silas were unjustly jailed and bound with chains. Paul sat in a dark lonely jail cell, not knowing what tomorrow would bring. He didn’t have control over his future. Paul didn’t deserve to be beaten, jailed, or bound with chains. And I’m guessing he didn’t understand why God allowed this injustice. His physical pain mirrored his inner torment.
We, too, can find ourselves in a dark and lonely place, not understanding why we’re here or what lies ahead. And like Paul, we don’t deserve cancer attacking us, the marriage unraveling, the loss of our job, or our child going wayward.
These realities are as painful as unfair.
Our souls feel imprisoned by pain and bound by fear. Our prisons have walls of anxiety and chains of fear. In the dark and lonely cells, the enemy seeks to rob us of our ability to recognize or experience God’s provision or joy.
But God.
Should I Stop Striving?
Years ago, I remembered thinking, One day, I won't be tempted to sin anymore. One day, I will fully trust God with all my son's health issues. One day, I'll stop searching for approval from others. One day, I won't struggle with God anymore.
Would a real Christian do that?
Is it possible to know deep in your heart that salvation belongs to you yet still fear it could slip through your fingers at any moment?
What does God have to do with it?
I am aware of the dangerous ground I tread on today by addressing such a divided matter, and I want to be clear that I'm not here to judge or shame anyone. I also won't ever pretend to understand someone else's story. So today, I only write to share an incredibly personal part of mine with you that I've never shared publicly before. There are parts I'm not proud of, but it's a testimony filled with truth and the hope of Jesus, and I hope and pray it will help someone else along the way.
What’s the Worst That Can Happen?
Before I got sober, I tried to control everything. That control, born from the fear of failing at parenting, marriage, balancing home and work, hosting, Christian-ing, etc. kept me captive in a constant state of anxiety about kids’ schedules, home responsibilities, work commitments, personal and professional relationships, body image, and social standing. I worried what people thought, I obsessed about how things “looked,” and I compared myself to everyone else while I attempted to calculate, regulate and even manipulate my circumstances to achieve perfection. It. Was. Exhausting. So, I drank to cope with the pressure.
Can I Surrender to God's Plan When God's Plan Is Not My Own?
These battles have shattered my heart repeatedly, but each time, God has been there to put the broken pieces back together more beautifully than they were ever arranged before. He has used these moments to reveal Himself to me in such intimate ways. Our entire family has learned firsthand that tremendous pain can build tremendous faith- and to us, that's been worth every moment of the fight.
Can I Stop Being a People-Pleaser?
I could spin around in circles trying to please the crowd but would still be left with feelings of emptiness inside. I cannot please everyone, and even if I could, the validation that might follow would be short-lived and fleeting. I will never be enough for this world, and this world will never be enough for me. My only hope is Jesus.
Can I Find Purpose Through My Pain?
From the time I was a young girl, I was a hopeless romantic. I could spin it to you by saying I was just plain boy-crazy, or by telling you that I possibly watched one too many Disney fairy tales along the way - but the truth of the matter is that I desperately wanted to be loved. As human beings, but women especially, we are designed to want to give and receive unconditional love. We want to be known intimately by someone who will cherish and value us for our wonderful qualities, and someone who will continue loving us right through our bad ones. As I got older, this aching desire I had to feel loved ended up making of fool of me more times than I care to recall. I made some incredibly unfortunate decisions that I'm not proud of today in an attempt to feel love. After a while, I found those attempts at "love" to be incredibly fleeting and in the long-run I was left feeling quite the opposite of what I had hoped for.
Then I had kids . . .