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Why Can’t Things Go Back To The Way They Were?
For a few years after my affair was exposed, I spent many a day just begging the Lord to make everything go back to normal. I was yearning so badly for normal. I longed for people to trust me again, for friends to want to be around me again and I ached for people to look at me like they used to, treat me like they used to. There was desperation for everyone to know that I was changed, that I was transformed, that I was different. It was there that I found myself falling into another trap of the enemy consumed with what people thought about me more than I was consumed with what Jesus was doing in me. I was trying my best to do everything right, clinging to friendships as if I was terrified to lose them because I’d already lost so many. I was working hard going into overdrive trying to prove myself to be good and it was exhausting.
Can I Surrender to God's Plan When God's Plan Is Not My Own?
These battles have shattered my heart repeatedly, but each time, God has been there to put the broken pieces back together more beautifully than they were ever arranged before. He has used these moments to reveal Himself to me in such intimate ways. Our entire family has learned firsthand that tremendous pain can build tremendous faith- and to us, that's been worth every moment of the fight.
Can I Find Purpose Through My Pain?
From the time I was a young girl, I was a hopeless romantic. I could spin it to you by saying I was just plain boy-crazy, or by telling you that I possibly watched one too many Disney fairy tales along the way - but the truth of the matter is that I desperately wanted to be loved. As human beings, but women especially, we are designed to want to give and receive unconditional love. We want to be known intimately by someone who will cherish and value us for our wonderful qualities, and someone who will continue loving us right through our bad ones. As I got older, this aching desire I had to feel loved ended up making of fool of me more times than I care to recall. I made some incredibly unfortunate decisions that I'm not proud of today in an attempt to feel love. After a while, I found those attempts at "love" to be incredibly fleeting and in the long-run I was left feeling quite the opposite of what I had hoped for.
Then I had kids . . .