Perfect Peace

The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 

Romans 8:6 (NIV) 

Someone(s) is perfect. 

There, I said it. Behind the door marked “do not enter,” in that wing of my brain where guests aren’t invited, locked inside a secret safe with my files of fears, diary of shame and private collection of insecurities was the belief that perfection might be possible.  

I’d never admit I used to indulge this forbidden feeling because I’d been told since I was a little girl that no one is perfect. But years of “being myself,” “like a boss” for “female empowerment,” left me wondering...  

Why do I still feel so insecure? 

Why couldn’t I keep my storage room organized? Why did I make cookie dough hours after casting off sugar? Why was the lighting so bad in my photos? Why wasn’t I invited to help with the team dinner? Why didn’t I have personalized stationery for the thank you cards I always forgot to write. Why wasn’t I more creative in planning the kids’ birthday parties? Why didn’t I pay more attention to my husband?

Why couldn’t I ever finish an online bible study and why didn’t I have pages of beautifully scripted journal entries to document my time with God. Why didn’t my daughters want to go shopping with me and what could I do differently, so my son talked to me as much as he talked to my husband.

Did my kids feel loved?

Did I pray right? 

Confused by my lack of clarity, I did what all resourceful women do. I scrolled for solutions.  I read posts and blogs and watched videos and reels. I friended, followed and subscribed. I liked, loved, shared and retweeted. I pinned, posted and saved for future reference. Subconsciously I began assembling my portfolio of proof.  

I wanted to feel how everyone else looked! 

Despite years of education, hard work, earning my dream job, marrying an incredible man and having three healthy children, I still felt like I wasn’t enough.

I claimed perfection wasn’t possible but secretly coveted the possibility.

I’d fallen victim to the oldest lie in history. If only _____, I’ll be more ______. Doubting what we know and longing for more was the very first conflict in the world. (Genesis 3:1-7).

The enemy came to Eve in the form of a serpent and convinced her she needed the knowledge of good and evil. Continuing to live peacefully in the garden wasn’t enough.

Now, Eve was in direct physical contact with God. She was given explicit instructions in His audible voice from His actual mouth. Yet, she still doubted. No wonder we can’t keep from thinking, “what if...?” when that same enemy comes in the form of a post, pin or pic! 

Whether it’s conscious (wishing you were as stylish as the women’s ministry director) or subconscious, (pinning the “Top 10 Trends”), we’ve all longed to be something we’re not. We’ve all wished to be, do, have and know more. But those feelings are rooted in fear. We’re afraid of failing. 

We’re worried we aren’t good enough moms, wives, friends and even Christians. We become convinced we need to be better neighbors, servants, and professionals. We think we need to volunteer, host, and remodel more…but weigh less. Years of trying more so that I could feel better only left me more defeated and feeling worse until I ultimately turned to alcohol to numb the discomfort. 

But it’s not supposed to be this way. 

Our world (the flesh) values prosperity, productivity and personal success. But prioritizing those came with a cost. After years of being kept captive by comparisons, I wanted out. The more control I craved, the more out of control I felt. My mind was consumed with combatting my fear of failure and coping with my fear of feeling it. It was peace I pined for. Simplicity. Contentment. Rest. Freedom. 

It wasn’t until I stopped giving in to the pressure, gave up the pursuit, and gave it all over to God that I finally found the peace (not perfection) I’d really been chasing. Eve triggered our cravings for more, but only God can satisfy them. His unconditional love for us, exactly the way we're created, not only approves and affirms, but it rescues and relieves. His strength upholds our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).

We won’t ever be perfect. We’re not supposed to be! We won’t ever feel complete with the things of this world, we can’t be (2 Corinthians 4:18). Letting go and letting God isn’t just a cliché. It’s a comfort. It’s life and peace. 

Today, I accept my imperfections. I resigned from the expectations the world values and instead submit to the standards of the Holy Spirit. I’m more patient. I “think” (pray) to God throughout the day, asking for guidance. I keep gratitude lists. I think before I speak and try to give others the benefit of the doubt. I rest and meditate and accept what’s out of my control. I apologize when I’m wrong and I try to stay open minded. I pause more and perform less, listen more, and talk less.

I’ve unfollowed top trends, ranked lists and “most liked.” I no longer envy the women at church who sing in the choir or meet on Wednesday nights. I’m an introvert. I still don’t get included by the moms who party on the weekends and plan the team dinners. But I always sign up to serve concessions when asked by the coach. I didn’t get anything done around the house this weekend, but I ate pizza on the couch with my youngest while she taught me a TikTok.  

I’m continually talking to my kids about what they’re thinking and feeling. Sometimes they engage, sometimes they just laugh. I try to be more attentive to my husband. Sometimes the timing is right, sometimes it’s while he’s watching basketball. I recently planned my daughter’s Sweet 16 party. It rained on the bonfire, s’mores station and hot chocolate bar, but she was smiling all night long. I haven’t written in my journal today-does writing this count?  I’m on day seven of the 40-Day Sugar Fast. I only cheated once; I licked the blueberry muffin batter on Tuesday.

I finally ordered personalized stationery! It's still in the package that’s stacked on top of the bags for Goodwill, next to the Christmas decorations I haven’t put away, somewhere down in the storage room. 

And I’ve never felt more comfortable and confident. Progress, not perfection.

Practice Because We’re Imperfect

1.) Listen to the song “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams.

2.) Ask a loved one to tell you all the things you’re doing well, what they like about you. They’re often able to see what we’re not willing to.

3.) Ask God to reveal what’s less important than you think. Ask Him to take control…