From Fear to Faith

“...But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

I’m Alyssa and I’m an alcoholic. On July 16, 2015, I took my last drink. I didn’t know if it would be my last drink. I’d tried to have a last drink many times before, only days later to chase it with another first drink. But, I WANTED it to be.

I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home. I didn’t even really drink in highschool and college. But, my casual, social drinking escalated after my youngest daughter was born and I secretly grew more insecure as a wife, mom and professional. I justified any reason to drink: I was tired and “needed” to unwind. I was stressed from work, or overwhelmed at home. It was Friday. It was a holiday. I drank to calm down. I drank to get ready. I drank to celebrate. I drank to numb. 

By June of 2015, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of worrying my husband Carl, of snapping at our kids, of feeling like a failure. I was sick of waking in the middle of the night, cringing at the memories of the night before, at another failed attempt to “control” my drinking. I was tired of wondering if other people were counting my drinks as much as I was. I was sick of being afraid of being exposed, but tired of feeling alone.

What changed? I gave up. I acknowledged I had a problem and I accepted that the more I tried to control my own drinking, the more it controlled me.

I exchanged my fear of failure for faith in God.

I surrendered. Easier said than done? YES! But, what a relief! All that time I’d spent trying to do it alone only buried me deeper in the pit of shame, guilt, loneliness and despair. Once I stopped fighting it, God reached down and lifted me out. I may or may not have dug my nails into the pit wall a few times on the way up…

Let me be clear, I didn’t wake up one day without the desire to drink anymore. It was a long, hard road filled with frustration, grief and even denial. The difference in that final time, the time I did finally quit drinking, is that I stopped trying to do it on my own, I asked God to help me while I considered the possibility that I’m not in control. I went to meetings, learned about my disease, talked to others in sobriety, read books, and I worked my program of recovery-something I still, and will always have to do. 

In his letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul describes his own begging of God to remove the thorn in his side, to spare him from its torment. But once God explained the thorn was to keep Paul humble and forever dependent on God for all he needed, Paul recognized it as a gift. His thorn reminded him daily that his weakness would forever be covered by God’s grace. It was a constant reminder to have faith in God’s power and strength.

By “letting go, and letting God,” I was able to release the burden of controlling my own drinking. I let go of my fear of failing and what others might think. Instead, I asked God to take over, to remove my temptation and to rescue me from myself. I can honestly say that my life today is better than I ever imagined it could be-even without the wine at dinner, the beer while tailgating or the seltzers on the boat.

I never thought I’d become addicted to alcohol and once I realized I was, I was scared to experience life without it. But here I am, living proof that with God all things are possible. My life is not perfect. But instead of drinking in response to those imperfections and the fears of what others might think, I have a new confidence in the faith that God is with me. I still have an active social life and still do all the same things I used to. But there are days or times that are harder than others and I will share them with you all here. My thorn still cuts!

But, I’m a Christian woman who had a drinking problem…and who has shared her story from the pulpit of many churches, with confidence. The shame, secrecy and self-doubt is gone. God blesses me daily with his comfort, encouragement and grace. I’m no longer alone. When I am weak, He is strong. I encourage you to follow my story as a Christian woman, a wife, and a mother in sobriety while I navigate daily living, vacations, holidays, and raising teenagers all while still comparing myself to others…but without a drink in my hand.