Deeply Disappointed Yet Hopeful

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

 Job 23:10 

In Job 23, we see a righteous man who is deeply disappointed yet hopeful. This chapter begins with a bitter complaint, not towards God but in His perceived proximity. You see, Job was exhausted with others' opinions about why He was suffering. He has heard the counsel of his wife ("Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die." 'Job 2:9) friends, and even his own thoughts that led him to utter, maybe it would have been better had he not been born than to experience the depth of grief he was now sojourning through. 

Have you ever been in so much pain that you figured if you could "just" get to God or maybe touch Him through your prayers, then perhaps the suffering would relent? The woman with the issue of blood felt these same sentiments in Matthews 9:21, "for she said to herself, "If I only touch his garment, I will be made well." 

Pain has that effect on most of us. Disappointment and the angst of life circumstances lead us to seek God to plead our case or run to superficial means to soothe our pain, and it is never wise to follow the latter. 

Like Job, I know this grief all too well. I understand the heartache of grieving life and loss simultaneously. When my daughter passed away unexpectedly from SIDS and years later while going through my divorce proceedings, I felt the heartbreaking plea of wanting to present my case to God. Like Job, I prayed,” ‘Oh, that I knew where I might find him, that I might come even to his seat! I would lay my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. 'Job 23:3-4 I did not understand why God had allowed such turmoil in my life. I was deeply disappointed in all that He allowed, yet there was this flicker of hope as I believed the pain would be purposeful. When you find yourself between despair and hope, it's easier to press into the despairing thoughts while putting hope on the back burner. 

Sometimes, the temporary solution is to immerse yourself in other activities to keep from facing and working through your new normal. The reality of your past, present, and future can feel overwhelming. In other instances, most deal by not dealing; they bury the heartache in a crevice of their heart to store all the unanswered prayers, disappointing moments, and questions of why this had to happen to my family or me. We self-deceive ourselves into thinking that if we pretend we are not disappointed, then maybe it will disappear over time. But time isn’t the antidote to getting over things, nor does it offer spiritual, medicinal components. God will use time, but transparency must proceed healing.

 The truth is "anything you conceal cannot be healed." 

As we focus back on Job and his approach to meeting with God in his despair, he began to share transparently how he has moved and seemingly still can't sense the presence of God. Job didn't hide his pain; instead, he sought out the righteous judge that he trusted would judge rightly. In my early days of grief, I remember attending church and feeling uplifted as the praise team sang of the goodness of God and even being moved as the pastor preached a message. But when I left the church and headed home, there would be this intense loneliness and disconnect from the message. It's as if it worked while there, but when I made it home, this deafening internal silence would overtake me while the lies of Satan swirled in my thoughts. Things will never get better, the enemy would whisper, so I felt like I was left with the pieces of my life puzzle that I believed I was responsible for putting back together to some degree. 

One day, I fell to my knees and cried out to the Lord for help. I didn't have this elaborate prayer; all I knew was that I wanted to trust Him with my whole heart and with my entire life. I was tired of rolling around in the muddy grounds of disappointment; I wanted to rest in His hope. In those moments, I felt the tangible presence of God, and from that day forward, Proverbs 3:5-6 '( Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths;) began to work in my heart; as I leaned into trusting God and letting go of my expectations, the truth began to drive out the darkness. 

You see when Job proclaimed, "But He knows the way I take: essentially what he was stating is that I may not be able to trace God's hand in all of this, but there is not one second in which He has not been aware of my location both physically and spiritually. Job knew that God would not leave Him in this state, so He acknowledged, "when he has tried me,” meaning after this testing season, there is something glorious on the other side. 

When you have learned to trust God in both the good times and the bad, you know that God is working all things together for the good of "those" who love him and are called according to His purpose. But in the working, God produces a purified vessel of gold so that others may see God's goodness even amid tragedy. 

Though Job journeyed through this dark season, He understood fully that it was a journey, not a destination. I am not sure where you are, but rest assured if you have made Christ your Savior, He is always in the process of strengthening your faith. 

I have not yet been restored to marriage, and I miss my sweet daughter more than words can describe, but Like Job, I have not charged God foolishly; instead, I learned that the more I seek him, the more I will find him. You may have felt the intense longing to know where God is as you navigate this difficult season, but the promise to us all is He is near you according to Psalm 34:18 "'The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. ' Even in the seasons when we experience our greatest disappointment, always remember,

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold."

Allow Job to be an example that sometimes we have heard of God by hearing the word preached, but in our pain, we come to know Him as Comforter. 

Be Encouraged.

Bettye