Why Don’t I Feel Like Them?
“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
Isaiah 30:15
Early mornings with coffee. Walks in silence. Drives with no one. Quiet. Solitude.
I was almost 35 years old before I considered I might be an introvert and I was even older before I accepted it. In fact, before I fully understood introverts and extroverts, I thought there was something wrong with me. For more than half of my life, I felt like an outsider, and I didn’t know why. As a working mom with young children and an extroverted husband, my head was always on a swivel. Why didn’t I feel like everyone else looked? I didn’t want to hang out on the sidelines of soccer practice to talk to the other moms. I didn’t want to spend a week at Camp Meeting socializing with Carl’s childhood friends and family for three meals a day, all afternoon and after evening services. I wasn’t eager to go out for pizza with friends on Friday night after a long work week. But everyone else appeared to love it all! They looked happy and fulfilled. Special. Better. Why did I just want to read a book, go on a walk and get in bed early?
Whether it’s society’s endorsement of extroverts or my own personal insecurities, I determined I wasn’t the right kind of mom, a good Christian or a loving wife. The world celebrates the “outgoing,” applauds the “never met a stranger,” and rewards the community organizers. Social media highlights the color coordinated group photos, the perfectly executed thematic parties and the more “followers” you have, the more important you are. If connections are currency, the world calculates our worth by the number of people in our orbit.
After years of comparing myself to others and appraising my worth based on their personalities, I’d concluded I was defective, so I drank to cope with high anxiety in social situations and low self-esteem in moments of self-reflection. But these negative feelings, these insecurities were no accident. They were part of a carefully calculated campaign by the enemy to deliberately and methodically distance me from my Creator (John 10:10).
As long as I was distracted by everyone doing everything around me, I couldn’t live as who (and how) I was created to be. I wasn’t engaging the strength and confidence God had embedded in me to live and thrive the way He wanted me to. I wasn't tethered to Him for fulfillment, I was trying to feel accepted by following others. In Isaiah chapter 30, the people of Judah looked to Egypt, the people around them, to protect them from Assyria. They rejected God’s promises, focusing on their own self-reliance which only brought them humiliation and shame. Instead of tapping into the truths they knew about God and what He wanted for them, they sought elsewhere for answers and assistance (Isaiah 30:1-5).
While I didn’t consciously choose to ignore the solitude that I didn’t know I needed, I did continue to try and be something I wasn’t for many years. I looked to the people around me to protect me from feeling “less than.” I looked at others to provide insight into how I thought I should act, feel and look. But all along, I had what I needed inside of me. Already accepting me. Always applauding me. The peace I longed for to feel good enough, has always been available to me. God reminded the people of Judah that it’s only by trusting Him that they will find peace and confidence.
“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
Isaiah 30:15
Comparing ourselves to others and looking to the world around us for acceptance and approval is a struggle we all face at some point. Eve kickstarted the whole thing when she looked to the “other” tree for fulfillment (Genesis 3:1-6). But social distraction stimulates self-doubt and suppresses God’s voice. We’ll never feel good enough if we measure ourselves using the world’s generic metrics.
I still feel moments of guilt when I need to “regroup.” But I’ve learned balance and boundaries. I don’t need to be alone all the time. I enjoy getting together with friends, hosting small groups and talking to other parents, but I sometimes need to go late, leave early or “tune out,” for a period after. By ensuring that I get some quiet time to think about things, or think about nothing, I look forward to interacting because I’ve engaged confidence and strength that I only get from connecting to God and His works inside of me. Once I learned to embrace it, I became a better mom and wife. I’m more comfortable, confident and equipped to serve my friends and family. I understand myself better and what I need: moments of time alone now and then to recharge.
Whether you’re an introvert, extrovert or a little of both, don’t indulge the enemy by comparing yourself to others. We’re all created differently on purpose, for a purpose (Colossians 1:16). We tell our kids that. Why do we have such a hard time believing it? Forget the labels. You aren’t “just” a social butterfly if you want to go to lunch after church with the Sunday School class. God wants you to fellowship! But you also aren’t a loner or a snob if you’d prefer to go home with your little family instead of the pot-luck lunch.
It’s said as we get older, we get wiser. I prefer to say we just have more experience. And my experience has taught me that the only way to really feel fulfilled and accepted is to stay connected to the Holy Spirit. We’re called to in order to glorify His works, but also to model to our children the importance! We’ll never feel good enough if we compare to those around us. We have to stay close to The One within us.
Practice Because We’re Imperfect
1.) Listen to “Who You Say I Am,” by Hillsong Worship.
2.) While there are over several verses about the importance of fellowship (Proverbs 27:17
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Matthew 18:20, John 17:21-23 Galatians 6:2, and Hebrews 10:25), we also know that Jesus chose solitude over people multiple times throughout the Bible (Matthew 14:1-13, Mark 6:30-32, Luke 4:1-2, 14-15, Luke 5:16, Luke 6:12-13, and Luke 22:39-44). Both are important! Some of us are just more comfortable one way or the other 😊.