Can I stop hiding behind the pretty pieces of my life?
"Lord, you have searched me and know my heart.”
(Psalm 139:1) CSB.
Confession:
Just after I had babies, I purchased several pairs of Spanx because I found that they held in areas of my body that I didn't know were humanly possible to tuck in anymore. I haven't worn them in quite some time because as I approach the age of 40, I have decided that breathing is much more important to me than sliding into a sausage casing that compresses my bodily organs to one another. And let's be real here- no one has really ever just "slid" into a pair of Spanx, have they? I have legit wrestled myself directly to the ground in an attempt to squish my mom-body into one of these mysterious spandex contraptions before- true story.
Perhaps you've never had a solo wrestle mania session on your bedroom floor the way I have, but we all use tricks to create illusions of a better-looking us. We subtly accentuate, shape or contour parts of ourselves to appear a little more attractive than reality allows for. I mean, this is, in fact, the sole purpose of makeup, right? But what if the enhancements we're adding in go deeper than beauty tips? What if it goes well beyond our looks and into the depths of our hearts? What if, in an attempt to feel loved, accepted, or looked up to, we paint a more polished and put-together version of who we are emotionally, of what our past was like, or of how organized and together our life is?
Maybe you yelled at your kids or your husband on the way to church and then felt like a fraud as you smiled and greeted friends once you got there. Perhaps you hide from the shame of your past and find yourself overcompensating in every aspect of life today because you want to prove that you are no longer who you used to be. Maybe friends have come to you with personal problems, but you never open up about your struggles in return because you fear they will think less of you.
Christians, why do we do this?
Why do we think we have to have it all figured out or hide behind a facade? The act of becoming a Christian is, in fact, recognizing and admitting that we can't do life on our own. We need Jesus to come in and be our Savior! The thing that threw me off most about Christianity for so many years was that I thought I was supposed to "arrive" where the other Christians around me had arrived . . . And friends- I've never gotten there. Truth be told, those people never did either. They just had me fooled.
I recently prepared for an upcoming testimonial interview and was asked to find some old pictures from my past as part of it. After putting it off for a few days, I made my way down to the storage room of my basement to look through the boxes I keep tucked away and labeled "memories." I sorted through pictures and memorabilia from my newborn phase to the present day and everything in between. Before I knew it, I sat cross-legged on the concrete floor of my storage room, staring at the timeline of my life. I smiled as I saw a picture from my birth and realized how much my youngest son looks like me. I rolled my eyes in embarrassment at the photographs of my five-year-old baton recital, where I lost all bladder control on the gym floor in front of a crowd full of people. I smiled in surprise as I realized that I actually still agreed with myself in an essay I had written my freshman year of high school. I felt a sinking in my heart as I came across pictures and pieces of writing from a time when Satan had lured me far away from Jesus. I saw skinny pictures, "fluffy" pictures, bad hairstyles, and good ones. I gazed at painful pieces of my life I hadn't thought about or wanted to think about in years. It was the first time I had looked at some of those items and not felt the tremendous heaviness of my shame weighing upon me.
For years, I wasn't just tucking these items away into plastic storage compartments and storing them in my basement. I tucked them into mental compartments as well. I learned at a young age that if you don't like something, you should sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. So, for years I operated with a broom in hand, ready to conceal any part of life I didn't find fit to show. But after a while, the rug started to get lumpy. I began tripping over it, and eventually, it was spilling out from all sides. I couldn't hide another thing under there without the rug popping up and my shame being revealed. Over the years, I put a lot of junk under that rug: abuse, trauma, neglect, pain, betrayal, anger issues, my past, my self-worth, my shame- so much heavy shame! But on that concrete floor, I found myself in this moment of freedom. I want to clarify that, for me, freedom like this took time to develop and came from a continual connection and relationship with Jesus. It wasn't something that happened in an instant, but as I let all those seasons of life stare back at me for a moment, it was as if I could see it all before me. The rug had been lifted, and I had taken every item out and placed it at the precious feet of Jesus. I felt His love surround me, and I sighed in relief. He knows all of us. He knows the depths, the hurt, the disgrace, and the burdens. Friends- He even knows how hard those Spanx were working to hold me together, and He loves me anyway.
I'm not suggesting that we are required to air out all our dirty laundry as Christians. Telling the world that you wear Spanx or any other part of your story is a personal choice. I'm only saying that Christianity should bring freedom and not bondage. The Bible never commands us to pretend we are perfect. In fact, we do a great disservice to others by pretending we have it all together as Christians. God will absolutely guide us through, but He never gives us all the answers while we're here. If He did, we wouldn't need Him anymore.
Keep in mind that all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. (2 Timothy 3:16). Remember that God didn't sugarcoat the lives of His chosen people, so they looked like perfect soldiers. On the contrary, He often showcased their weaknesses so that we would understand our great need for Him.
Take David, for example. David was handsome, brave, and noble, but he would also become an adulterer, a murderer, and make some dreadful choices as a father. Nevertheless, God still sought David out, saying he was a man after His own heart (Acts 13:22). God knew David would make significant mistakes along the way, but He didn't characterize or define him by his flawed decisions. Instead, God looked at what was in David's heart and exposed his weaknesses to teach and guide us in truth. When David confronted the shame of what he had done, he asked God to wash away his sin and guilt because he knew he couldn't do it on his own. He felt his sin was always before him. He petitioned God to create a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within him. David asked the Lord to restore the joy of salvation. He didn’t ask the Lord to restore his salvation because he wasn’t concerned with losing it. David asked God to restore the JOY of his salvation. David wanted to be equipped with the joy and confidence that only the Holy Spirit can provide as he continued out God’s calling for his life. He asked God to sustain him by giving him a willing spirit and declared, "I will teach the rebellious your ways, and sinners will return to you.” And through his story, he has been doing it ever since.
Friend, I pray our lives will be the same.
Today, I want to encourage you to stop hiding behind the pretty parts of your life because it's often the unbecoming pieces that bring the most beautiful revelations of all.
So throw out your broom, lift the rug, and unpack all the junk. These things have never belonged anywhere except at the feet of Jesus.