What do I do with My Secret...?
...they realized they were naked; so, they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God...
(Genesis 3: 7-8)
As far as I know, I’m still the only one in our family who can do it. My husband freely admits that he can’t, and not interested in ever trying. The few times my kids could have benefited from trying, there was no way I was going to show them. Visions of them using it for all the wrong reasons kept me from demonstrating a technique I had perfected. How comfortable are you stimulating your gag reflex to make yourself throw up? I’m not referencing this bathroom behavior to introduce you to nights I spent intoxicated on the bathroom floor. No, I’m using it to tell you that I know how you feel.
That secret that you’re keeping, the one that your drinking has gotten out of control, that you’ve started an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker, or that you’ve opened another credit card – it's toxic. And the fact that you’re afraid to share it with anyone for fear of judgement or rejection is, unfortunately, more common that you think. You’re not a fraud. Just like that nauseating stomach bug that we want to expel for our reluctant children, or that churns our insides after one too many, the more we resist relieving ourselves of the poisonous pressure, the worse we feel.
Secrets keep us sick.
Throwing up must be one of the most dreaded, resisted human reactions. I think the same could be said about presenting our problems. It's unpleasant and uncomfortable and leaves us open to ridicule and criticism. Exposing our weaknesses furthers our own fears of failure. We want nothing more than for everyone to think we’ve got it all together. It’s not prideful. Its survival, a form of self-preservation. But that private pain makes us prisoners. We’re enslaved by our secret shame. Bondage.
Secrets steal our serenity.
Let's revisit Adam and Eve. God told them not to eat from the tree of knowledge. But a serpent (the devil), convinced Eve to eat from that very tree and she shared it with Adam. They felt bad and covered themselves in front of God. Ugh. How are we supposed to expose our mistakes if the very first man and woman were afraid to? Before their eyes were “opened,” Adam and Eve happily skipped along free and fully exposed. But after eating from the Tree of Knowledge, they felt guilty and ashamed, so they hid. The guilt makes sense, they only had one job: don’t eat from the tree! But why do they suddenly feel ashamed of their nakedness? There wasn’t a booming voice charging them with indecent exposure. That slimy little serpent wasn’t even mocking their lack of appropriate attire. Nudity being wrong was never declared. They just knew.
Sweet friend, we just know too. And it all can be traced back to the very first defiance of God. When their eyes were opened to good and evil, they became intrinsically aware of right and wrong. That feeling in the pit of our stomach, that little voice, or that intuition, it can all be traced back to Genesis. We know when what we’re doing or how we’re living isn’t right. We can’t NOT know. Our eyes have been opened since the beginning of time. It’s one of the consequences of the fall.
Secrets try to separate us from God.
I tried to live in denial of my drinking. I dismissed it and defended it. I could not, would not, acknowledge that I had a problem. Instead, I did what so many proud women do. We’ve been raised by society to idolize strong women, to pursue independence and exude confidence! I kept my growing doubts to myself and came up with a plan...that backfired. The secret I was keeping, knowing that I had a problem, not knowing how to solve it and suppressing the urge to ask for help, it held me hostage. I’ve never felt so lonely. I felt like a fraud, hiding in plain sight. I went to bed every night feeling defeated. Hopeless.
But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9)
Regardless of our situation, our choices, our shame and our guilt, God is with us. We’re never alone. He sees us at our worst and feels our pain. There is nothing we can hide from him or anything we can do to push him away. He won’t leave. There are consequences for our actions. The first man and woman received theirs. But our Holy Father is not an angry, vindictive God. He loves us unconditionally and longs to save us from suffering. The guilt and shame we feel for continuing to do something we know isn’t right, or the embarrassment we feel that prevents us from reaching out for help, those keep us captive. But they’re not from God. They’re from the enemy whose entire mission is to separate us from our Creator. He’s vengeful and jealous and will do anything to convince us we are not worthy of God’s love and attention.
Adam and Eve disobeyed the one and only command they’d been given. But God still loved them - he made garments to clothe their shame (Genesis 3:21) - and He loves us. He created us and wants nothing more than for us to grow close to Him, to trust Him, just like a parent wants from their growing children. He is saddened by our sickness and knows that the longer we suffocate our secrets, the longer we suffer. When my babies are sick, I stay close to them, ready to comfort and help them however I can. There are times I even wish I could be sick for them. God loves us like that. He already knows the secret you’re keeping. And he’s ready and waiting right by your side, for you to Get. It. Out.
Practice Because We’re Imperfect
It’s time.
Listen to I’m Ready Now by Plumb.
Ask God to give you the courage and confidence to share your secret with someone you trust. Pray for Him to reveal who that is and to give you the willingness to do so. He is with you. The comfort that comes from unburdening yourself is like the relief felt when the fever breaks, the head stops throbbing or the stomach settles. It’s worth it. There’s great healing in the after.
