How Can I Forgive Someone Who isn’t Sorry?
Matthew 6: “But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Matthew 6:15 (ESV)
A couple of years ago, I received a request to participate in a redemption story for a young woman. She had been caught in the boys’ bathroom at her high school performing a sexual act. It got recorded and another student posted it on social media where it spread very quickly. One of my friends reached out to a few of us with an opportunity to speak truth and life into this young woman. She had obviously messed up, but having her mistake preserved and shared with hundreds of her peers would profoundly impact her life for years to come. This was an opportunity for us to put our faith into action and speak love into her life.
I was all in. What a lovely suggestion! The only problem was, I had no idea what to say. It was awful that her poor choice was broadcast all over social media, but really, what was she thinking? I felt sorry for her, but I also disapproved of her actions. I stared at my blank paper and racked my mind for words to write to her.
What are your thoughts? How would you have responded if you had received a request to write something to this young woman? What would you have said?
As Christians, we have been forgiven, and therefore, we are called to forgive. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
It sounds simple, and in our hearts, we know it’s right. But when we’ve been wronged, it can be hard to forgive. Stuck in hurt feelings, our thoughts run to justice, not mercy. In fact, grace and mercy might fall to the very bottom of our heart’s desires if a drunk driver killed our teenager, or if our spouse cheated on us, or if a thief stole our credit cards (and our identity), or even if a trusted friend broke our confidence and shared an embarrassing secret. It’s hard to turn the other cheek when we have been hurt. It’s justice, not mercy, that our human hearts demand!
But God says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:17-19 (italics mine)
God calls us to forgive, and He asks us to trust Him to administer justice. As beings who are created in the image of God, we have a sense of fairness and rightness imprinted on our souls. God designed us with these values, so we can stand up for those who are being overlooked in the world. Our temptation is to reach for our judge’s robe, sit on our thrones, and make all things right in our world.
The problem with this approach is we can only see life through our own lens. Even if the person who caused us pain is someone we love, we can’t love them as completely as God loves them, and we can’t know them as thoroughly as God knows them. We only know that they hurt us. We don’t know what led to their hurtful actions toward us.
That’s why we are to allow God to administer justice. Only He will execute it perfectly.
Now back to my dilemma regarding what to say to the young woman who was caught in a compromising position in high school. I called another friend whom I know feels passionately about giving grace. I confessed my unforgiving heart and my difficulty understanding how a young woman could show such a lack of judgment. My friend listened to me and then she very kindly observed, “I wonder what’s happened in her life that she feels so unworthy.”
That one comment stopped my merciless thoughts and helped me see what my other sweet friend, the one who offered a few of us a chance to say something to this young woman, already knew. Grace and mercy speak life into other’s lives. Judgment only heaps condemnation onto an already broken person. As believers in Jesus, we have received life, and we are called to speak life into others.
My grace-filled friend also showed me something else. Unforgiveness isn’t just something that we sometimes have trouble offering to others. Unforgiveness is sometimes something that we struggle to accept ourselves. Some people feel so much shame over their past actions that they go through life carrying a heavy load of regret, and they think they don’t deserve to be forgiven. Both situations are unhealthy and unbiblical, and they lead to an unexpected outcome in life.
Matthew 6:15 (ESV) says, “But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” This verse isn’t talking about our salvation but about our fellowship with God.
When we are stuck in unforgiveness, whether it’s something we refuse to offer an offender or something we believe we deserve ourselves, we close ourselves off to the peace, presence, and power of God in our lives. That is why God wants us to forgive.
There was a powerful quote in a Bible study guide that spoke about redemption. We can replace the word, “redemption” with the word, “forgiveness”, and the meaning is the same, so I want to share it with you.
“The ultimate purpose of practicing forgiveness is not that through Christ we might be forgiven. But that in our act of forgiveness, we might have Christ!”
Friends, it might be hard for us to forgive, but we suffer a bigger loss when we choose to live in unforgiveness, whether it’s toward others or ourselves.
Living in unforgiveness keeps us from living in community with Christ.
This is why Jesus wants us to forgive!
Don’t let unforgiveness rob you of the peace and presence of Jesus. Take off your judge’s robe and step down from the throne of your life and trust Jesus to administer justice. He will give you the power to forgive, his presence to comfort you, and his peace that brings life to your spirit. Who do you need to forgive today?
Dear Jesus, Forgive me for struggling to forgive, myself or others. Give me the strength to forgive, wisdom and power to restore my broken relationship(s), and faith that you will make all things right someday. In Your name I pray, Amen.