Who Am I Serving?

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:41-42

One day at a time. Progress not perfection. Let go and let God. These are just a few of the classic catchphrases heard at countless 12 step meetings. I’ve had each one on repeat in my own head for over seven years now. They’re short and sweet (we addicts need simple), but strong enough to carry the weakest of alcoholics through the most desperate of days. 

I have recently come to consider two more of these catchy sayings are equally as relevant to me. The first, “more will be revealed,” comes from the belief that we see and learn a little bit more about ourselves the longer we stay sober. While the mind clears as it grows healthier, free from all the wine, the realizations set in. It’s terribly painful. Recognizing our character flaws, weaknesses and insecurities is one thing. But accepting and addressing them is another level of self-evaluation that’s not for the faint of heart. Years of dismissing discomfort by numbing our feelings has wrapped us in a thick callous of denial.  But we belong to a God of mercy who reveals more of what we can handle, a little at a time.  

More is being revealed to me. And it’s not comfortable. 

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” 

Luke 10:38-42

These sisters are two of the most famous women in the Bible after Jesus' mother, Mary. Their story is one I’ve read over and over, always ignoring its application to me. Could I relate to them and their situation? Yes, both and more than once. I like to think I’m like Mary, fully committed to Jesus and only engaged with Him. But in all honesty, I’ve come to accept that I’m Martha. She was serving. She was preparing her home for Jesus and his disciples! She was doing good work! She genuinely believed she was being faithful... 

In the last two years, I’ve become so consumed with doing all the things for all the people (somewhat necessary as a mother) that I’ve failed to protect my private relationship with Jesus.  I’ve slowly drowned out conversations with God with demands on myself. My quiet meditation of His truths and promises is now being used for list-making, task-mastering, and box checking. I’ve justified it all by insisting I’m serving our family, the school, the community, committees, etc. 

“I’m searching and shopping for what _____ needs.” 

“I’m preparing for________ holiday or event or trip.” 

“I need to clean _________ in case _________.” 

“I need to go get _______ before ______ happens.” 

“I need to know _______ if ________.” 

Through a series of random (but divine) interactions recently, I’ve come to learn I’m a five on the Enneagram. I’m not getting into that here. I’m just sharing that while I’ve always known I’m introverted; I’ve only recently come to understand how much my need to retreat “into my own head” with thoughts of organizing and orchestrating is a response to a deeply ingrained fear. I’m afraid of failing in the future. I’m worried I won’t have enough energy to “perform” at life and fearful I won’t be prepared for whatever might come. As a result, I’m stuck perpetually preparing, distracted with doing, all the while, believing I’m serving. 

I’ve become so fixated on the what-if-thens for all the whos that I’m forfeiting the right-now-whens...with Him. 

Be right where your feet are. 

That’s the other AA-ism I’ve heard many times but discounted any relevance to me...until now. In this moment on this day, in this phase of my life, I need to be more present for what is happening in real-time, enjoying and engaging in the here and now and less concerned with there and then. My belief that all my “doing” is serving others is just propaganda used by the enemy to pull me away from where my feet are...and His. 

After much prayer, lengthy conversations with wise Christian counsel, I’ve come to accept I need to step away from my commitment to Freed to Flourish. I love to write, but even more so, I love writing about Jesus, what He has done and continues to do in my life. But as I evaluate my current circumstances and the ways I’m choosing to use my time; I must make some changes. I need to be where my feet are by “just” sitting at His. 

The hardest part about leaving the group is stepping away from my working relationship with four incredibly faithful women of God who also happen to be gifted writers. They aren’t just “other writers” to me. They’ve become mentors, prayer partners and close friends. Each one has taught me powerful, even life-changing lessons about motherhood, marriage and growing stronger in my faith. I hate “leaving” them but also know that if anyone can respect convictions by the Holy Spirit, it’s the four other founding members of Freed to Flourish. Dana, Sue, Mackenzie and Dawn will forever be four of the most influential Christian women in my life. When I reluctantly shared my decision to leave F2F, their initial reaction confirmed what I already thought I knew about them. Their first concern wasn’t for the ministry, it was what they could do for me, my family and how I was feeling. I’ll always treasure that specific moment. They’ll never know how much love I felt that day alone in my kitchen. 

I’ll write publicly again someday. Maybe when all my kids are gone, maybe before that. But I’m learning not to plan so far ahead and to stop getting hung up on what might happen next. Each of us is a little like Martha and a little like Mary. But I’m ready to slow down my own feet that are always going and doing so that I can rest at His feet, listening and learning. 

Practice Because We're Imperfect

1.) Read Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver.

2.) Listen to I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin.