Boundaries, Toxic Relationships, and Forgiveness- How Should Christians Respond?

If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

(Romans 12:18) CSB

 Jesus gave us the command to love one other. He told us that our love is how the world would recognize us as His disciples (John 13:34). I take this command seriously and try to live it out well, but I have found that at certain times, with certain personality types, it can be quite a challenging task. We have all dealt with a difficult person at one point or another, but what are Christians to do with abusive and toxic relationships? What do we do with people who continually hurt or misuse us? How should we handle someone who tries to pull us into unbiblical behavior or keep us from becoming the person God desires us to be? These questions become even more complicated when this person is a spouse or a parent because the Bible also carves out very clear commands for us in these relationships. For example, husbands are to love their wives, wives submit to their husbands, and children are to honor their parents. But what if spouses are unloving or disrespectful? What if the behavior of a parent is far from honorable? What if these relationships are unsafe for us physically or emotionally? And what if someone's presence in our life creates constant chaos and turmoil? I wish I had all the perfect answers to life's most tricky questions, but here is what I do know. Our honor belongs to God before it belongs to anyone else. While God will never lead us into making unbiblical choices, He will lovingly guide us through life's most burdensome decisions if we allow Him to.

I have found it difficult to navigate these waters while staying obedient to the Lord, and the honest truth is that I haven't always been successful in my reactions. But thankfully, with the help of a Christian counselor, a lot of great Christian books, and above all, a close relationship with Jesus, I have been able to keep my head above the crashing waves. More recently, those waves have even died down a bit and carried me to the still waters I am now swimming a little more gracefully through today. While new and uncharted, these waters have been much more tranquil, and I have found peace and freedom here.

Your situation may be entirely different from mine, but I want to share with you a few ways that God has helped me to slowly (yes, it has taken some time) drift away from the raging sea and into the stillness of more peaceful shores.

Look to Jesus-

Many people assume that being a Christian means, we should always be compliant, bending and compromising to make others happy. When we think of Jesus, our first thought is often of love. Because of this, many stories and movies almost depict Jesus as a pushover but make no mistake- Jesus was far from it. Jesus set clear boundaries and took strong stances concerning His faith and the mission God had in mind for Him.

-Jesus often set limits with others and drew no-nonsense parameters so that He could spend personal time alone with God.

-Jesus drew a hard line when He found that people had made a marketplace out of His Father's house and were using it for financial gain. In turn, He flipped over tables and created a whip to drive people out.

-Jesus told His friend and follower, Peter, to move out of the way and stop being a stumbling block to Him when Peter opposed God's will for Jesus' life. Jesus was alert to God's calling for Him, and there was no room for stumbling blocks or those who tempted Him to stray from God's objective for His life.

Cling to His Word-

If you have ever experienced abuse, especially emotional abuse- I know firsthand that it can be easy to fall into the trap of believing that you are in the wrong for wanting to create boundaries, stand up for yourself, or protect your peace of mind. But the Bible has a lot to say on these matters. First, remember that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but God's Holy Spirit provides power, love, and sound judgment (2 Timothy 1:7).

-We are told to warn a divisive person once, then warn them again a second time, and after that, have nothing more to do with them (Titus 3:10).

-We are also warned not to be misled because bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).

-We are reminded that if we walk with the wise, we will become wise, but cautioned that a companion of fools will suffer harm (Proverbs 13:20).

-We're encouraged to dwell on whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, of moral excellence, and praise-worthy. We're told to think about these things so that the peace of God will be with us, and we're urged to let His peace rule our hearts (Philippians 4:8-9) (Colossians 3:15).

Based on these scriptures and many more, I am convinced that in certain situations, we are allowed, if not encouraged to walk away from unsafe people who continually sabotage our peace or persistently harm us. We cannot control those who bring us pain, but we can control our involvement with them, and sometimes the best thing we can do is ask the Lord to step in while we step out. I once heard someone explain this way: "We lock our doors at night to keep our homes safe from theft or damage, and our families safe from dangerous people. So why would we hand the keys of our heart over to someone who repeatedly violates or abuses it?"

Let all that you do be done in love-

I know this part can be difficult, especially while we are still hurting- and even more so if our offender has never apologized or acknowledged our pain. Even so, the Bible encourages us to forgive others as we have been forgiven. Jesus, in so many words, tells us that we are to be limitless in our forgiveness of others. (Matthew 18:22) Walking away doesn't mean we can't forgive. Sometimes honoring and loving someone means praying for them from afar. And sometimes, the best way to love a harmful person is to separate yourself from them. Doing this allows you to protect what's left of the relationship from behaviors that would otherwise cause irreparable damage. 

When I think of the person who has hurt me the most, my heart softens toward them as I remember that hurt people, hurt people. And I believe whatever is going on in their soul must be much more torturous than any pain they have ever inflicted on me. I also try to remind myself that God knows much more about forgiveness than I do. Considering how much He has forgiven me puts this into perspective. The Bible tells us that God demonstrated His love for us by sending Christ to die for us WHILE we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). Pondering this thought will humble my puffed-up unforgiving heart within an instant.

Friend, I don't know who hurt you or what relationship issues you might be facing today, but we can have peace knowing that it is not our job to fix people. Only Christ is capable of doing that. Our job is to pray and trust in Him, understanding that He can bring hope to even the most painful situations. Do what you are capable of to bring peace to every situation, and know that while reconciliation may not always be a possibility, with Jesus- the restoration and healing of your own heart always is.

Forgiveness requires a lot of soul-searching, and I have learned that for me, it hasn't been a one-and-done decision. Forgiveness is a choice I must continue to wake up daily and choose all over again. Today and every day, I am choosing to love those who have caused me pain, even if I do it quietly from afar. My sweet friend, I hope that today, you'll choose the same.